After several years of being the Buffalo Bills of softball, we finally sealed the deal and brought the title to where it belongs, the basement of craig's parents house, where no female will ever see it, but i will be personally grateful to look at the next time I play PS2 down there.
Although the only thing craig ever consulted me on on was my jersey #, I am your self appointed assistant mgr. So let's recap how we got here.
First and Foremost:
STEROIDS
Without this key member of our team we coud not have been here. Without this "jungle juice" we would actually have to use our natural talent instead of Mark Mcgwire in a bottle. Without this "miracle hit", singles by myself, Craig, and Jeremy would have been, well, just far weaker singles, perhaps even dribblers back to the pitcher. I don't want to speculate who else was on the juice or how it was acquired but during a flashforward I had there was a vision of Stu Plotkin testifying before congress without his oriole hat. In it were before and after pics of him. You be the judge.
From my flashforward, I am also glad to announce that we win the 2039 championship (see below) but saddened to announce Greg Roll is not in the photo, as he dies from a binge drinking accident sometime next year. Apparently, we add a black guy to the team at some point between now and then. Sorry Eric, I know how this upsets you.
2) Tylenol
Without this, i think several players, but mostly Greg Roll, could not have made the games on Sunday mornings. He is by far the most giftest softball player while being hungover that I have ever seen. He hits like a man's man and hold's his liquor like daddy's little girl, a rare combination.
3) Rob Roll
Without Rob's array of pump fakes, pump fakes, pump fakes, pump fakes, pump fakes....okay i'll deliver the line now... cricket pitches, and smuckleballs we could not have won. But..... we would have had several hours of our lives back instead of playing softball, as our games would have finished sevearl hours sooner. I don't know about you guys but I am looking forward to next year. Rob will be perfecting a new pitch where he actually shoots the ball out of his ass.....that is one ball that I will let Adam call me off on.
4) Dave Roll's Beard
Perhaps the brawny paper towel guy, perhaps Scott's rabbi, it doesn't really matter, you want this guy on your team. His beard harnesses the same power that Johhny Damon's hair harnessed during the Red Sox championship run in 2003. In fact body hair in general makes us play better and we have a lot of it.
I mean really, have you seen some of the wilderbeasts on our team, it's like the inspiration for the movie Where the Wild Things Are. I'll tell you where they are. In a blue unform. John Zafonte, the townspeople are going to start chasing him with torches. Adam Goldberg, I loved you in star wars. In honor of our Hair-a-tige, here is a preview of next year's uniforms.
5) Gay Sweatpants
Last but not least. Whether it was Adam's maroon pantalones or my aqua trousers, it just seemd like we were playing in a softball league at cherry grove at times. I even worked in the bright orange occasionally, just to ensure there was no confusion whether we were a gay or straight team. I don't know why, but we just felt the need to express ourself in wardrobe as though it was the mid 80's ....and "we were just experimenting". In honor of this our 2010 team name will the "Alternative Lifestyle Allstars".
Here is the trophy, you earned it.
Thanks again for the great season. Your assistant mgr. out.
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